Honoring the Passage

Like many modern phenomena, a quick Google or AI search provides seemingly resolute answers to the many trials of grief. People may use these results to reassure or guide them as they adjust to this most universal human pain. Inevitably, such a search will bring up a summary of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's proposed five stages of grief from her famous 1969 book, On Death and Dying. Though the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are widely acclaimed in the popular zeitgeist, this philosophy has long been misunderstood. The ground-breaking work helped explore how terminally ill patients confronted their own mortality; however, many mistakenly believed it also presented a roadmap for those grieving the loss of a loved one.   

Given that this month marks five years since my husband’s untimely passing, I am now looking back on my own journey through the wilderness that is grief. Personally, though I can relate to many of Kübler-Ross's stages, I have found grief to be much more convoluted and unkempt. In my early bereavement, a tidy series of stages felt appealing as it provided hope that I might return to a sense of normalcy once I passed through each one in succession. Still, through observing my daughters, attending my spousal loss support group, and volunteering at hospice, I found a huge variance in the way those around me experienced bereavement. 

Given the approaching watershed, I have used the past months as a time to take stock of all that has occurred half-a-decade on. I could never have imagined all the personal growth I would experience, including the discovery of my own strength and resilience. For anyone coping with a life-altering loss, it is important to reflect back at critical junctures as we may easily forget to give ourselves credit for simply reaching the milestone. At the same time, I am far enough removed to recognize mistakes I made along the way, and to have a sense of self-compassion for doing the things I had to do to survive. Though grief is still part of my life, I can now say that I have found true peace and joy in the present.