Listening to the Universe

Before Brad died, I would have described myself as a skeptic when it came to understanding the mysteries of the universe. Though I lacked a specific dogma, I generally doubted ideas that could not be proven through science and hard evidence. At times, friends would talk about visiting psychics or finding meaning in supernatural occurrences, but I was unmoved. I was also somewhat cynical about events being predestined or the concept of being led by a power outside ourselves. Still, my skepticism shifted when I was suddenly widowed in my mid-forties.  

In the early months after losing my husband, I found myself still having “conversations” with him. I would speak aloud as though he were alive, though I never got an answer to my ramblings. I found myself seeking his counsel in decisions big and small, considering what he would want me to do. I also found myself searching for signs that he was communicating in other ways. When my kitchen lights flickered, I felt a sense that Brad was trying to connect with me. I also found what felt like gifts from him, including cards tucked away in his bedside table that were clearly intended for me. One of the most frequent occurrences that felt like communication came from a musical birthday card that had been saved in our office file cabinet. Whenever the drawer was bumped, a portion of the Queen song “You’re My Best Friend” played time and again, crooning the lyrics: “And I want you to know that my feelings are true, I really love you. You’re my best friend.” In my early grief, it felt like a direct message from Brad, expressing his love through song since he was no longer alive to tell me himself.

Since Brad’s birthday was in early June, the start of this month has me paying attention to the times the universe seems to be speaking to me. Though the quiet dispatches are now few and far between, I notice when I feel pulled in one direction by subtle signs and cues which may have been completely beyond my awareness in the past. Though I still cannot fully understand the whisperings, I will continue to open my heart to whatever murmurings come my way.