Open Heart

February has me thinking about heartbreak. Though it is a time characterized by love, not everyone is fortunate enough to experience it positively. For those who have loved and lost, the ubiquitous displays of hearts and cupids can cause pain as they ache for their person. In my spousal loss group, we often discuss the concept that the depth of one’s pain is equal to the depth of one’s love for the departed. I believe this idea is true in most any sort of situation of lost love, whether it be a breakup, separation or divorce. Still, I see bereavement as the ultimate heartbreak as there is no avenue for return or repair. At the same time, loss has taught me something remarkable about love.

When my husband died, my heart not only felt broken, but I would characterize it as feeling broken open. While I was deeply afflicted and yearned for the relationship I could no longer have, I also saw the world anew. I was already a sensitive person, but my loss helped me be more closely attuned to the pain of others. My feeling state was so heightened that it was as though I could feel more of everything. In some ways, being that heartbroken caused me to be more open and receptive to love in all its many forms. During my early bereavement, I learned so much about my heart’s capacity for love. I wanted to do something, anything really, to help heal the pain of others who have experienced this grievous sorrow. My writing and volunteering with hospice are a direct result of that growth.

Recently I saw a full moon that was so distinctive and bright it caught the attention of both my daughter and me as we drove home. While I am not one who believes in the idea of being Moonstruck, I sensed something different about myself that day. Perhaps it was simply a heightened level of gratitude for all the love that is presently in my life. Maybe it was just a fluctuation in my midlife hormones. Or perhaps it was an acceptance that we only have so much time with the ones we love. In any case, I verbalized my feelings in a way which I had not done before, and I will continue to share my open heart for as long as it keeps beating.