Say My Name

Standing with a drink in hand at the cocktail hour of a recent event, I had the chance to reconnect with several distant family members whom I had not seen for years. As with almost any social situation, we made small talk and caught up about various goings-on in our personal lives. Since my husband died almost five years ago, I have learned how to read between the lines and understand what people really mean when they ask me a seemingly innocuous question like, “How are you doing?”. In general, I have found that most people will avoid asking directly about my loss. Sometimes this reticence seems to revolve around their own discomfort with the topic, while at other times it has more to do with their fear of causing unintended emotional upheaval for me. Depending upon the situation and how I read the room, I may decide to avoid the topic entirely, or I may instead offer some more personal insight. 

In this case, I decided to open up and share. In retrospect, I think I felt compelled to speak about the loss of my late husband because I was there at the event with our daughters. I want my children to realize that he will always be a part of our lives. I also want to model how sharing his stories can help us keep his memory alive. As I have navigated these gatherings and the complex array of feelings that inevitably arise since my loss, I have discovered that speaking his name aloud gives a tacit permission for others to ask questions and communicate whatever they may want to say. Sometimes they offer their own memories of my late husband. They may also describe their own losses, or those of other friends and acquaintances. In either case, I believe that once people know that I am able to talk openly about my loss, as well as my late husband’s role in my life, they feel safe to follow suit.  

For those who have experienced loss, I suggest you consider saying your loved one’s name aloud as often as you feel comfortable. Doing so may not only help you feel connected to your past, but it may also allow you to find a greater sense of peace and a deeper connection to loved ones in the present.