Seeing the Signs

Ever since Brad died, I have noticed subtle signs in my environment that remind me of him and that simultaneously feel like communication. After his sudden passing, the sound of airplanes overhead and flickering lights above our kitchen island seemed to represent messages to me and our daughters. These occurrences felt so real that I would often find myself talking to the inanimate objects as though he and I were still conversing. Other less obvious proxies for him arose in the last six years, including bright sunshine, repetitive numbers, hummingbirds, rainbows, and even certain nature paths along which we used to walk. Whenever I noticed a sign, it felt like Brad was checking in and providing reassurance that everything would be alright. Though the signs eventually slowed, my belief in their meaning persisted.

Last month, it felt as though Brad was trying to reach out again around the anniversary of his passing. August is already a month of chaos and upheaval. Heat and humidity linger in late summer, all while routines shift and the annual back-to-school adjustment begins. This August was particularly weighty, due to the cross-country relocation of my older daughter, the need to get her settled in her first-ever campus apartment, and the fact that my younger daughter is starting her senior year of high school.

During the one week we were all home together in August, our oven started beeping in the middle of the night. Though this appliance malfunction may have been pure coincidence, it felt like a signal from Brad. At the same time, I started to question my sanity, thinking that perhaps I was really “losing it” and wondering how I could believe in things that would have seemed insane before his death. Still, another part of me found this supposed communication comforting. Whether real or imagined, these moments help us tolerate the pain of grief and allow us to find meaning in the magical thinking that we all use to understand life’s mysteries. If you are missing a beloved person, I hope my story helps you feel less alone in your grief and perhaps a little less crazy when you see your own signs.