Widow Whiplash

On the 6th anniversary of my husband’s passing in August, I experienced an aspect of grief that felt new. When Brad died, I quickly learned that some people “get” grief and many others do not. While some are generally sensitive and kind in their expression of condolences, there are also those who never seem to get it: the so-called “grief illiterate.” In the latter case, I observed that the illiterate simply do not know how to behave and may totally ignore the loss, or seem to act callously about your bereavement from the start.

This August, several people showed up for me in a thoughtful manner. Given how long ago Brad died, many others seemed to forget about it entirely. On the other end of the spectrum, there were people who were keenly aware of the significance of the date - like those who came to a small reception I held in his memory at our synagogue - and who still avoided the topic as though it were not staring them in the face. The stark contrast between the kind reactions and the seemingly oblivious ones was the thing that I found so discombobulating. 

When I discussed this confusion with my younger daughter, she shared a similar experience. Talking through the varied responses helped me realize why I felt perplexed. People who offered support allowed me to feel safe, helping me let my guard down and open up a bit about my grief. Alternately, those who offered little kindness caused an internal conflict and raised questions for me: How should I feel at this stage of grief? Is it OK to express my feelings openly to anyone outside my immediate circle? Why is there such a distinct difference in others’ reactions to this time of upheaval? The opposing reactions caused me to feel a sense of whiplash, moving back and forth between safety and guardedness. This cognitive dissonance made it harder to understand and wrestle with my own feelings, let alone figure out how to act around others. Ultimately, I remembered that I am the true arbiter of my emotions and my grief, allowing my heart to once again lead the way toward a sense of peace and solace.