Survival Season

As we enter late summer, it occurs to me that I have survived yet another season of intensity.  While one could assume that I am referring to the excessive temperatures and unpredictable weather brought on by climate change, it is actually an internal season of fervor that I have endured.  The buildup always starts in spring, as I anticipate the coming months and examine my emotional reserves.  Early June marks my late husband’s birthday, followed soon after by my older daughter’s birthday and Father’s Day.  July offers a slight reprieve.  Then the intensity amps up yet again in late August, the anniversary of my husband’s passing.  Since he died about a week before our wedding anniversary in early September, the heated cycle and emotional upheaval end just as the temperatures start to mellow in early Fall.

Like so many who have encountered intense grief, I anticipate this season of loss and remembrance with trepidation, feeling some relief as it draws to an end.  Instead of denying my emotions, I know how important it is to let the feelings wash over me as I go through another revolution of loss.  I am also grateful to realize that the brutal force of early loss has softened through time.  Even though I am now several years removed from my husband’s passing, I still felt an unease entering the summer months, aware that the anticipatory anxiety is a sign that both my body and spirit were bracing for the roller coaster of emotion yet to come.  As I mark four years since his death, I can only hope that the dread of this season will continue to ease and release me from its grip.  In the meantime, I can look back with pride for finding the strength to survive and thrive in the here and now.