Walls of Grief

Since I am almost five years removed from my husband's passing, I cannot always recollect my experience of early grief. Still, given that he died in the early part of the pandemic, I distinctly recall how isolated my daughters and I felt in the wake of his demise. Though the whole world was on lockdown and millions experienced personal loss, I somehow felt uniquely singled out and alone. 

On a recent trip to Chicago where my daughter and I stayed in a high-rise hotel near the Magnificent Mile, I discovered an apt metaphor for this sense of being utterly alone in the midst of so many. Right across from our name-brand hotel was another high-rise property, with 16 windows across and 36 windows lateral, meaning we could literally peer right into a vast swath of rooms belonging to our fellow travelers. Despite the close proximity of each of the rooms and the similarity of the accommodations, each small rectangular block was cut off from the next in its own sound-proof and sterile space. Looking across at this building where each room was connected through shared walls and geography, yet its inhabitants were simultaneously detached, I felt that this arrangement mirrored the experience of losing a loved one during the pandemic.  

Even in normal times, those who are bereaved often feel isolated. Since our society is so death phobic, conversation around loss is highly limited. Somehow the most caring people still find themselves at a loss as to how to approach the topic and provide support. The irony of this limited connection about grief is that loss is one of the most universal human experiences. Obviously, we are all mortal beings who will experience grief at some point. Our inhibitions about death mean we often fail to have meaningful shared conversations and experiences around bereavement, losing out on much needed empathy and genuine caring. Someday, I hope we can tear down the metaphorical walls and find a way to engage in discussions of death and our own mortality. If we succeed, we may just discover a shared humanity that bolsters our connection to one another and also makes our lives that much richer and more meaningful.