Mourning with Honesty

This month, our country celebrates its semiquincentennial, marking the 250th Anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. While this milestone honors our country, there are many sober parts of United States history and present day life which belie the celebratory atmosphere. America deserves great credit for many things, especially for establishing a democratic republic with ideals of justice, liberty, and equality for all. Still, whether we are acknowledging our deep rooted history of racism and slavery or coming to terms with present day inequalities, any truly honest self-examination must reckon with the less savory parts of the American experiment. 

My late husband, Brad, was a huge proponent of intellectual honesty both in his personal life and in his Oncology practice. Brad steadfastly believed in telling the truth even when it caused discomfort or risked upsetting his patients or colleagues. In conversation with me, he lamented that patients and families balked at his prediction of the likely success of a treatment protocol, the risk of complications posed by chemotherapy, or the question of do-not-resuscitate status. Despite the intensity of such discussions, Brad never shied away from the truth as he saw it. 

Reflecting on how much Brad valued intellectual honesty, it occurs to me that this concept is often lacking in the realm of loss and grief. Not only does Western society avoid the topic of death and dying, but many also keep their distance from the bereaved, fearing they may say the “wrong thing” or simply because it brings their own mortality to mind. Mourners may also hide their feelings, masking their pain as it is largely socially unacceptable. Sadly, even mental health professionals can pathologize grief when a practitioner deems that it has gone on “too long”. Instead of hiding our heartache, wouldn't we all be better served by being honest with ourselves and others? It is my sincere hope that one day we can let the light in, allowing the sunshine to melt the barriers between us, soften our pain, and bring us closer to true healing.