The Present of Presence

My late husband Brad would have turned 55 this month. Though it has been five years since he died, part of me still wants to push away the thought that he is gone. When I allow myself to fully comprehend his absence, I am flooded with a depth of sadness that is hard to put into words. At these times, I realize how much he has missed since his untimely death and my heart aches. I am grateful not to live in a constant state of pain and know that my self-protective instincts stop me from thinking about it on a regular basis. Still, grappling with grief has taught me about the importance of being present; ultimately that means finding ways to live in the moment for both the good times and the bad. 

Yoga emphasizes the idea of being present. My yoga teacher frequently cues us with a simple “Be here now,” but we are also encouraged to notice our surroundings and engage with our senses. As yoga practitioners and teachers, we are aware of our bodies and mindful about our breathing, our thoughts, and our physical state. Moreover, we tune into aspects of ourselves that are typically outside of conscious awareness, whether that be emotions or the subtle cues we receive as we move through and adjust our poses. Indeed, in moments of stillness while working on meditation, we try to focus on just one simple object, mantra or breath in order to achieve a more effortless state of awareness. 

While touring colleges this spring on a trip with my younger daughter, I had an epiphany about presence that hit me in the hotel shower. As I watched steam collect on the glass door, felt the gentle and comforting warmth of the water, and breathed in the soothing aroma of the bath products, I thought about savoring my time with her before she graduates from high school. It occurred to me that the yogic lesson to “be here now” was just as relevant in my daily life as it was on my yoga mat. In that moment, I was reminded to relish the remaining time with her under my roof, realizing that it is precisely the finite nature of time with our beloved which makes it all the more special and meaningful.