Unmasking Grief

While the ubiquitous use of masks seemingly disappeared at the end of the pandemic, masking never seems far away in the endemic that is grief. Masking was normalized as a public health prevention measure during the pandemic, serving as an effective tool to fight the spread of the disease. In contrast, the invisible mask donned by so many in mourning seems to only further promote the pain of the bereaved in our grief-phobic society. In my spousal loss support group, I hear a constant refrain from those facing grief: one cannot openly share about how they feel in the wake of loss. When friends and family ask the seemingly innocuous question “How are you?”, the bereaved feel obliged to self-censor and provide the most shallow of answers, lest they risk causing great discomfort for the interlocutor. Talking about grief is a bit like conversations about cancer in prior generations; it can take place only in hushed tones with the closest of confidants. 

Our fears around confronting the death of loved ones, or even our own mortality, only enhance this taboo. Ironically, this approach to loss means that those who desperately need support are left to feel alone despite the universal nature of our mortality. In my own panacea, I imagine a world where we can be honest and forthcoming about the pain of loss, figuratively removing our masks and showing our faces to the light just as we did when COVID was no longer deemed a public health emergency. If only we could normalize the conversation around this most-human subject, perhaps we could let go of the secrecy, robbing grief of some of its power simply by acknowledging that it exists. 

During a recent yoga class, our teacher encouraged us to turn inward with each successive breath, seeking a deeper connection with our most authentic self.  Using this ancient practice as a tool toward greater self-understanding, she asked us to consider how we “show up in the world.” Returning to our authenticity feels like a gift for anyone, but especially for those facing grief. If you are in grief or know someone who is bereaved, I hope you will help start the conversation and illuminate the path toward healing.